The greatest sin

 It's hard to think with a head full of rain. I walked yesterday through blistering cold to get home from work. Some say walking is anxiolytic. I'm sad I don't feel the same about it. Actually I'm sad I don't have the same feelings as most people around me have for most things. Once I got home I swallowed two pills of lexotanil to force myself to sleep.

When in tranqualizers, you never really fall asleep, your spirit doesn't ascend to the heavens to recieve pure relaxing dreams, relieving you even these few hours from the pain of reality. Instead, you pass out, and when you come to your senses you feel all your muscles like you haven't moved them for a year or so.

I woke up, today it's my day off. Although I don't really feel like doing anything. God, what has gotten into me?.. Since when was the last time I enjoyed myself?.. I cannot tell. And I don't want it anymore. I need something anything, that will bring me to my previous energetic state. Some sort of remedy, or an elixir that will bring a soul back to this body. But what is it? What is this that I really lack?

 The phone rings, it's my girlfriend. I don't want to see her. It's not that she can't chear me up, the thing is that it's temporary, once she's gone I'm down again. Some of my friends text me. They will hang out to get some beers. I don't wanna go. Alcohol won't do me any good. Getting wasted it's not the kind of fun I need right now. God damn it..

I put some badass music to listen. I take a look at the pile of comicbooks in my room. I really used to like this staff. I pick a random issue and start reading. It's not that interesting. Not until the last page that is. In the last page was this guy, Nick Fury, talking to captain America's grave. His words reached the deepest corners of my heart.

''The greatest sin is doing nothing, when you could be giving everything.. Of dreaming too small..''

That was it. I killed my dreams and replaced them with meaningless shit. That's the reason I feel this void inside me. My soul hungers for something more, something above the pleasures of the flesh, something full of pure essence. I plan to feed it. I will get rid of the things that keep rotting my mind, all the delusions of love, and fun and well being. I will get something real. Something true. Something that will fill heart with joy, and no matter what I will never let go of it. Something worth fighting for it, dying for it, going to hell for it.

 It's all inside us, but noone can teach us how listen. All we need to do is stand still and pay attention. When it's over we'll be full of scars. It won't be easy. But it will all be worth it.

 I take a look at the box of lexotanils. I throw it away. It's gonna be one long night, leading a series of long nights to come. But it's ok, since I have a sense of purpose. It's ok I can do this. From chained to my weakness, I'll be chasing my weakness away. And dreaming small no more...