Last Sunday I visit an old friend. We used to be at the same class when we were younger. He did good. Graduated from a good university, and now working for a major company. He lives in a rather large and luxurius appartment even though he lives by himself.
We talked for hour about random staff, political, economical, women, and although he hold alot of knowledge on every short of topic, it wasn't our conversation that put me in deep thoughts for hours and hours; it was something in his livingroom, a large fishtank, full with colourful fish that made the water look like a rainbow from another dimension.
It is said that these kind of fish don't long for the ocean, because they've never tasted it. I refuse to believe that. When I see animals that were born and raised in captivity I can tell that their missing something, in their stare, in their moves. It's something subconsious, an instict, a missing part taken violently away from them.
I took a look at myself. Is there any of our premitive emotions left? Did they made it through the ages? Is that the reason we cannot fit in harmony in this concrete jungle? Is it the same when we cannot find one to fall in love completely? An old myth says that in ancient times humans had two heads, four arms and four legs and Zeus got afraid of their potential and spit them into two people. Therefore, we spent our lives looking for our other half. Is this the reason why most people walking this earth feel miserable and try to fill their lives with false hope? In lack of comprehention of a primal calling?
Walking home I couldn't stop thinking about how our lives are made out of plastic and instant things and feelings that fade away in a blink of an eye. A life in fast forward, trying to catch nothing but thin air while the infinite already surrounds us.
''When washed on the shore, the starfish make no effort to be saved. They close their pores; reserve their energy, hoping that the next tide will pull them back in the sea.''
Another day spent entirely in front of thelaptop. I'm begging to find something that can keep me focus and interested for a great period of time. The internet fails at that. Social networks are just for guys and girls posing in their so cool magazine style pictures, and videogames just won't cope with me. I have one of my friends on the phone, just talking about random staff. He asks if I can join him for a beer.
''I told you, I can't. I'm spending the weekend with my father.''
I hear a buzzing tone from my cellphone. My dad texted me, he wants to get him his backpack.
''Well, I have to go. I'll ask and I'll call you back. Ok, bye.''
My dad.. Well, I guess they had good reason getting divorced with mom. When someone has this ''artistic'' style of character it's hard to deal with him. So much for mom, who was always in need of a person next to her. He now has a girlfriend. He changes them from time to time. He leaves quite isolated, in a house by the sea outside the city. He only gets company when he ''has to''. He is a reporter, so he travels alot. He goes wherever the newspaper wants him to go.
I get my jacket and go to the living room to get his things. I close the door to the balcony and see him on the beach taking pictures. I go outside to get to him. The tide had brought a bunch of starfish, which are now subject to my father's pictures. On my way to him, I pick up a starfish and threw it back to the sea. I take one step and throw in another one. I reach him and gave him his staff and turn around to leave.
''Stay with me for a while'' he said to me.
It's ok I guess..
''What are the girls cooking?''
''Dunno. They said to go upstairs in a while..''
We stay quiet for a while..
''I haven't seen so many in years... Quite a storm, wasn't it''.. he said in an attempt to break the ice..
''Yes.'' I don't care what he says, I just try to play nice.
''Back in time, when they were washed on the shore, I used to spend 5 film rolls a day. I saw you were throwing them back in the sea.. A couple of you and I could never pursue a career.''
His words were filled with irony, and that small laugh of his made me furious but I didn't say a word. I was just staring at the cloudy sky, letting my thoughts carry me away.
''We are preparing a tribute for the regions hit by disaster and I'm leaving next week for a couple of days. Do you want to come with me?''
''No.''
He lights up a cigarrete, obviously annoyed from my denial.
''If you worry about absence at school, your mother can provide an excuse.''
''It's not it''
''Then?!''
'''I just don't want to!''
He seems clearly pissed off. He takes a deep breath of smoke.
''You won't have many chances to see something like this. The picture after the disaster.. it leaves you speechless. Only then you will realize how small and weak we are.''
My dad.. He is the kind of people I hate. And I would if we weren't blood related. Small and weak.. I don't know the meaning of these words. I can't feel them. The only emotion I have towards them is disguss. We can anything we set our minds to. There is no limit to what can be done. My dad is too narrowminded to comprehend that..
I get on my my feet, and take a look at him. As I am taking off, I pick up another starfish..
''No, we're not''.. and I send it back to the ocean..
special thanks to Katerina Gkioulmichalaki for the concept and the film!
''It's when you get along with each other. You like the same things, and you both enjoy going to certain places. And if you're attracted to each other you have the perfect combination.''
''Too shallow''...
-- ''How do you know you love someone?''
''If you want to share everything with someone, good staff, bad staff, and you would do anything for that person and don't care about the consequenses. It's about giving everything to someone and be complete just for doing it, without waiting something in return.''
''I can feel that's close, but unconditional love ain't love at all''...
--
''How do you know you love someone?''
''You just know. From the first time you'll meet a person you might feel it when your eyes meet. A sparkle, a note. It's something beyond our compehension. Our souls know it and our bodies know it. All we have to do is trust the universal bond we have and everything will follow.''
It's hard to think with a head full of rain. I walked yesterday through blistering cold to get home from work. Some say walking is anxiolytic. I'm sad I don't feel the same about it. Actually I'm sad I don't have the same feelings as most people around me have for most things. Once I got home I swallowed two pills of lexotanil to force myself to sleep.
When in tranqualizers, you never really fall asleep, your spirit doesn't ascend to the heavens to recieve pure relaxing dreams, relieving you even these few hours from the pain of reality. Instead, you pass out, and when you come to your senses you feel all your muscles like you haven't moved them for a year or so.
I woke up, today it's my day off. Although I don't really feel like doing anything. God, what has gotten into me?.. Since when was the last time I enjoyed myself?.. I cannot tell. And I don't want it anymore. I need something anything, that will bring me to my previous energetic state. Some sort of remedy, or an elixir that will bring a soul back to this body. But what is it? What is this that I really lack?
The phone rings, it's my girlfriend. I don't want to see her. It's not that she can't chear me up, the thing is that it's temporary, once she's gone I'm down again. Some of my friends text me. They will hang out to get some beers. I don't wanna go. Alcohol won't do me any good. Getting wasted it's not the kind of fun I need right now. God damn it..
I put some badass music to listen. I take a look at the pile of comicbooks in my room. I really used to like this staff. I pick a random issue and start reading. It's not that interesting. Not until the last page that is. In the last page was this guy, Nick Fury, talking to captain America's grave. His words reached the deepest corners of my heart.
''The greatest sin is doing nothing, when you could be giving everything.. Of dreaming too small..''
That was it. I killed my dreams and replaced them with meaningless shit. That's the reason I feel this void inside me. My soul hungers for something more, something above the pleasures of the flesh, something full of pure essence. I plan to feed it. I will get rid of the things that keep rotting my mind, all the delusions of love, and fun and well being. I will get something real. Something true. Something that will fill heart with joy, and no matter what I will never let go of it. Something worth fighting for it, dying for it, going to hell for it.
It's all inside us, but noone can teach us how listen. All we need to do is stand still and pay attention. When it's over we'll be full of scars. It won't be easy. But it will all be worth it.
I take a look at the box of lexotanils. I throw it away. It's gonna be one long night, leading a series of long nights to come. But it's ok, since I have a sense of purpose. It's ok I can do this. From chained to my weakness, I'll be chasing my weakness away. And dreaming small no more...
''A dream you dream alone is a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.'' - John Lennon
I woke up in thIe middle of night. I took a look at my alarm clock. 2:00. It's been third night in a row where I cannot sleep. I look at my pillow and it was soaking wet. Was I crying in my sleep? The darkness around me is way too thick. A full grown man been afraid of such thing.. I turn around and try to get some rest. No luck there. I get up and get dressed. Maybe a walk downtown will be just fine..
I get on the street and wait for the bus. Across the street are two prostitudes, with their make up and skirts on, ready to their job. You know some people curse them for choosing the easy way for making money, but I feel sorry for them, cause it won't be long when they will realize that they were walking on the wrong way for too long. The bus arrives..
I take a seat in the back, by the window and watch outside as we pass by all the closed stores and quiet houses. The bus stops at a traffic light. I look outside and I see a couple arguing real intense. Then the guy throws a punch at the girl and knocks her down, and then she bursts into tears. These guys are the worst cowards, they have to hit girls to feel like men..
In about five I'll be reaching my destination. I take a look at the guy on the other side of the buss. He is doing something, I couldn't tell from the start, but when I took a closer look I noticed that he was making a line out of cocaine and sniff it up his nose real nice. I was really disgusted with him and myself, because I stood my and watched.. Finally I arrived at my stop.
As I walk to reach the plaza I walk in front one of these electro-gothic clubs. I see these girls walking inside, dressed up with mesh stockings and leather sorts. All lustful and ''evil'' and ready and for everything, everywhere. Where did the heart go? Is it worth it to exchange it for a moments pleasure? As I arrive to the plaza I see an empty bench and take a seat..
There are a coule of folks around, drinking beers, smoking pot. I notice my ex-girlfriend. She looks at my direction. I pretend not looking at her. She wants to come over and say hi, but she is too selfish for that, she will wait for me to make that move. But I won't. No reason to play friendly or anything. My phone rang, someone texted me.
It's my girl, my one and true love. She says she worries too much and she wants to call her. We haven't talked in three days now, I don't want her to have my troubles in her mind. I kinda feel like a cactus. She holds me tight in her arms, and the tighter she holds the more I hurt her with my needles. I didn't respond her. I got carried away by my thoughts of her..
It's almost five o'clock and my stomach is digesting itself. I have eaten almost nothing today, but its not like I have apetite for anything eatable.. I go to the nearest subway station and take a cappuccino from the vending machine. It's hot and sweet and the its fragnance takes me to another heavenly dimesion filling my whole being. But then reality hits me like a kick in the nuts, when I realize that this coffee is nothing but dust mixed with hot water by a souless thing.. I threw it away and get in the subway..
The sun is up when I arrive at home. I got rid of my clothes and fell on my bed. I couldn't stop thinking of her and how much she means to me. With just her in my mind I cried myself to sleep..
Yesterday I got a phone call from a friend. She sounded really upset and told her that it would be best to discuss whatever the problem was face to face rather over the pone, so I asked her to come over. When she arrived I made her a cup of coffee and offered her some of my homemade cupcakes. I turned on the radio and we sat comfortable in the living room. We started talking, and it turned out that she got fired a couple of days ago due to personnel reduction.
''You know that was so unfair, they could have fired other guys who were less productive than me, but they mind the personal relationship an employee has with the managers greater than productivity. So unprofessional, and so not fair.. And I've rejected some good job offers by working there and now I'm unemployed and I think it would take me more time than I can afford to get a new job..''
She was really upset saying these words so I gave my best to try and calm her down.
''You know this kind of injustice happens all the time. There are some people who make theirselves up the foodchain by using all the means they have, and this includes immoral ones. But the point is that you have to take a moment and ask yourself, would you go down to their level and become someone who would sell out his dignity just to keep a job, or would you stick to your code and remain true and righteous?''
''I would like to be that romantic but the bottom line is that I have a lot of expenses to cover and unable to right now while some other people, who do not deserve it, are.''
''Well first of all I think that neither of us is qualified to decide what someone else deserves. And as for the first part, as Ghandi said, if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change. Getting fired isn't necessery a bad thing. I believe that something good will come out from this story. It's not as it's the end of the world.''
My words didn't seem to have an effect as strong as I expected. Her mind was still in great confusion because she can realize the gravity of the situation. I gave her a ride back home and she told me that she would stay at her brother's place for a while, until she sets her mind on what to do next. I wished her luck and told her that whatever she needs she could call me anytime, meaning it, for in the end, one another is all we have.
