Last night I tried to check wikipedia for an article but it was blacked out, due to reaction to that SOPA thing. I was familiar that the US is trying to pass a cencorship bill, that is aimed to bring down piracy..., and also knew that some sites threatened that they stop working for a day just as a warning. The thing is that I thought that most of the major websites were against it, including facebook, youtube and twitter, but instead they did nothing. Or so it seems like.
Truth is that they can do whatever they want whether we like it or not, this bill will just give them the right to. You know, I don't feel comfortable that they own and abuse technology that way. I don't like the fact that if I have an adroid phone they can know everything that I do, and everyone seem like they don't mind or don't care.
The sad fact is that in this internet kingdom, we are but the commoners, and the noble ones will do a business arrangement, adapt to the new system, and drag us with them.
Today I went to my parents' house for lunch. My father wasn't there, he had to go to work, it was just my mother, so I ate with her. Once we were done she had to go out to buy some staff. I was kinda annoyed, but the doorbell rang. It was my grandpa, he came to visit by coincidence. So, my mother decided to go out shopping and left as at home until she came back.
It was nice being with him. It must have been months since the last time I saw him, and years since we had a decent conversation like the one we had today. I told him about several staff, but I focused on how shitty things have turned out at work, that I think bad about most fellows there and that affects a lot the way I act and think all day long. He told me to get rid of these bad emotions because if I let them, they will alter my personality without me noticing. To make me understand it even more he told me an old prverb told by the native americans.
''Inside every man's soul there are two wolves dueling.
The one is full of anger, envy, sorrow, disppointment, arrogance, self-pitting, greed, guilt, insults, vanity, lies and ego.
The other is full of joy, peace, love, hope, tranquillity, kindness, charity, compassion, generosity, truth, and faith.
The one winning, the one that will stand by your side, is the one that you feed the most....''
Yesterday my girlfriend showed up and picked me up from work. I got really excited not only for seeing her, but also for having a bottle of Jagermeister with her. We rode a bus that took as some miles outside the town, in a small city with no points of interest other than a small port. We picked up some woods and started a small fire in the beach to keep us warm, the cold and humidity were really reaching our bones.
Fire, alcohol and cuddling were keeping our bodies warm. We kept talking about us, how everything started and where we are going. I kinda enjoy these kind of conversations, it's part of being in a relationship. There was no more of that Jagermeister for several hours, and we kept looking at the sky, feeling poetic.
''You know'', I said, ''the stars are so far that the light needs decades to reach us. Some of them are already dead and all we see is their last breath..''
''What if all the stars have gone out?'' she replied ,''What if there is nothing left but us?... God's last work, he made us and then killed himself... Doesn't it make you sad, to realize, how alone we really are?''
Thinking of that I got goosebumps. I instantly imaniged the endless ocean, calm and beautiful, the high mountains, silent and strong, the pure forests, fresh and cool.. Are we really alone? The last species to witness the creator's final deeds?
The sun is coming up, the fire is out and we're almost asleep one in other's arms. We get up and go to the bus station to catch the first one back to the city. We were sleeping the whole time until we got back, a kind of depression hit me once I got home, as if there is so much to feel and I deliberately deprive myself of them..
Today I had lunch with this co-worker of mine. It gets somehow annoying when you get in touch with a person only at a certain place, so thats how I said what the hell, still better than coffee at the office.
These kind of lounge coffee bistro restaurant combining serving hot drinks and medium quality food overpriced really get on my nerves, for they have managed to make people believe they are classy. Anyhow, I orderer an ice-cold beer and a steak, the perfect combination. She had white wine with pasta, typical girl.
When we were done she offered me a smoke, but I refused for I am trying to quit. She started talking to me about how she broke up with her boyfriend. They had a relationship for a year or so and they seemed to be in love, but then she cheated on him.
''You know'', she was saying, ''it's not like I regret doing it with that guy in the club, it's just I still wanna be with Mike. He still loves me you know, and so am I..''
That words of her made me furious. How can you be in love with someone and do something like that?
''Our relationship was too good, if you know what I mean. Sometimes I feel like I want to destroy something beautiful, and that moment I did.''
I took a cigarrette from her pack of smokes and fired it up. That feeling god damn it. I have it on many things. From things on my work, clothes, even in this store. Will I be eventually like her? Will I put my ego above anything else around me and offer nothing but bitter emotions? I believe that people should always follow their heart, but what if their heart tells them something like that, to cheat on someone, or to start a random fight?
The smoke I inhale takes me even deeper inside myself, makes me wonder what I want to do and what I should do, if there is right and wrong. I guess the change comes from within.
Once we were done I paid the bill and went home. I take a look at the pictures on the wall, then in the mirror. That's me alright. Still fighting, still trying, not to let anyone down.
