Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Believe in the ideal, not in the idol

 Yesterday I got really tired of home. I got my jacket and my pack of smokes and headed for the park. I left my cellphone on my desk, I need some quality time for myself. I made only one stop on my way, to the liqueur store. I got a bottle of scotch, you know that small ones that pass around these days, that are just a quarter of the litre, more than enough if you ask me. And so, since I got full equipped, I arrive at the park find an empty bench and sit back comfortable.

 The dusk was giving me a strange feeling, a weird tranquility. I wandered into my thoughts and lost the track of time until a familiar voice brought me down to earth.

 ''Hey hi there! How come you're by yourself?''

 ''Hello, nice surprise! The walls where drowning me so I just headed out''

 She was a friend of mine, we've been neighbours for several years and we hang out now and then. A typical girl in her twenties. We talked about random things at first, but the conversation lead to a place where she is tells me on and on how much she needs a change in her life.

 ''I think I might change my hair style and my dress code. It might get me more successful at work and with guys you know..'' she said.

 The whiskey was already kicking in so I spoke out my mind..

 ''Respect isn't something that can be won over by clothes. A job is not only a matter of what seat you have, and how much you get paid. A relationship is not just about sex. Friendship ain't just hitting bars and getting wasted. There's more in that. So much more and you're putting it aside over nothing.''

 ''You're not completely right. Money, sex and entertainment may not be the only things, but they are the the things modern society was built on. And as about respect, my looks is just a mean I am willing to use to get it.''

 With that answer of her she put on her serious looks and was looking at me straight into the eye waiting for my answer. So I felt like quoting some lines taken by a movie..

 ''You are not your clothes. You are not your job. You are not the money you have in the bank. You are not the things you possess. And more important, judging by what you said, you are not special. Everyone is willing to sell out their dignity and morals for a good job or to get the best looking guy or girl, so you are just following up the stream. Does that suit up with you? Does it make you feel complete? I doubt. It just gives you a semblance of happiness and well being. By imitating the life a celebrity or anyone you look up to it doesn't mean that you will be him. Or even more, how do you know that the lifestyle the media shows up aren't just a part of the show? Just to make you feel less miserable...''

 I got drifted away by excitement, I could be lecturing for hours, but I couldn't wait for her to feed me with her response..

 ''You know, we are still young, we are allowed to make mistakes, and to act without thinking. It doesn't mean that I will do that for the rest of my life.''

 ''This is the rest of your life, and you are wasting it minute by minute, by being emotionless to things with value and by worshiping bastards like Luis Viton and Lamborghini. They gave you the delusion of supremacy, after they gave you the feeling that successful people are connected to these staff. The truth is that successful people aren't connected with staff at all, they bond with other people. That's their strength, that's their blessing.''

 She was looking at the ground thinking of the things I said.

 ''So what are you suggesting?''

 I smiled, looked her and said

 ''All you need is love, babe..''

 She smiled back, gave me a hug and drunk a sip of my whiskey.

 We got another one of that small bottles at the liqueur store, we talked a little more and went to the theatre to watch a late movie. When it was over I walked her home, she lives close to me anyway. She asked me to come upstairs for a goodnight drink, but I had staff of my own on my head so I refused kindly and scheduled for another night.

 For another night.. You know, lonely people aren't alone because they enjoy solitude. They are alone because they tried but are unable to find a way to fit in..

Friday, October 21, 2011

Illusions of grandeur

An old friend came to visit me this morning. We talked about relationships, work issues, political and society stuff. As you can already imagine the conversation was getting downhill, so we opened an old high school album to cheer up by recalling the past.

There are us, the whole class in our uniforms with our teacher, mr Gamper in the middle, all tall and serious in his suit and tie. Although I can tell now he was a communist he never told us out straight in case we judged him with our inexperienced minds. I can see me and my friend in the picture, you can see the difference if you see us now, all beardy and stuff. At the corner I can see Nikki, the prettiest girl of the class, I used to be in love with her but of course never told her anything. She got pregnant in college and forced to marry that guy, who might have been cool, but was no husband/father material and got addicted to alcohol and other staff and started beating Nikki and the kid all the time. Next to the teacher are the class bullies, James, Rick and Mick. They used to prank everyone with no exceptions, and the girls seemed to like their style. Mick and James made up their minds later, got to a university and got a job at an insurance company. Rick on the other hand, got really deep into gambling and he ended up owning a lot of money to lenders. I do not know if he got out of it yet.

For every person there is a story to tell. Especially for this skinny guy, Sergey, who was the most unnoticed guy in the whole school, there where even some teachers who didn't know he existed. This one, just a year before graduation, brought his life upside down . He got really obsessed with body building and started working out. I don't know if there was anyone behind this but suddenly he started taking these protein shakes and nutrition amplifiers and he worked out like his life depended on it. In just four months we could all see the difference, not just on is body but on the way he talked and think. His whole life warped around a gym and a mirror. He looked up to guys with huge muscles who posed on  magazines.

We move on to the next photos on the album, there are several from random school plays and some with the guys we used to hang out then, some in random clubs, some in the park. There is one from a basketball play. I see a lot of familiar faces in the court but I cannot tell their names, it has been several years, but on the bench there is a guy I recognize, Sergey. It's been some time that his has been ''fit'' but I guess he weren't that functional so the coach let him out. By that time he got several pounds, still that's the only thing he thinks of, day and night, working out, taking the supplements, and rest so the muscles will get the proper growth. Of course rhe didin't have any friends, the only guys he socialized with were the guys from the gym.

The next one was from the graduation party that took place in a huge beach club. It's really weird I forgot that night, for it was really shocking. Sergey has been working out for about a year and he became a real musculine guy, all eyes were on him. Although he has changed his appearance, the guys from school were teasing him for being a wuss and soft and all that things. Sergey wasn't the type of guy that would get involved in fights no matter what, and got really sad that no matter what he did noone would ever respect him. So he took a bottle of vodka and got wasted with that. He was all laughing and dancing and singing not giving a damn about everyone. At about 4 o'clock he said he'd lay on the sand to catch his breath. He seemed really tired. At first we thought that he just fell asleep out of exhaustion, but when some got near to wake him up we all came to realize the fact that Sergey was no more.

The doctor said that it was due to heart failure, caused by the combination of alcohol and anabolics. Me and my friend became sad remembering that. We talked about it for a little. There was no chance Sergey wouldn't know what would happen to him after what he did. It will never stop troubling me, how a man of discipline and devotion gave up so easily.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Separation anxiety

 The other night I got a really disturbing call from my sister. It's not what she said, like more how she said it. She tried to act cool and staff but I could tell that she was really worried. I'm doing military service for several months now and despite the fact that I want to be there for her I really can't for I am serving quite far from home. And we used to be really close, since both of our parents have passed away, all we have is oneother.

 Anyway, she was at home when she called me, she had been with some of her coworkers to a friend's house to watch a movie have a glass of wine, you know this kind of staff. So it got late and decided to go home. They offered her a ride but her place is nearby so she said she would rather walk. And that's where it gets weird. She told me that outside our place was a guy in a parked car watching at the front door. I asked her why didn't she call the police and she told me that she would feel embarassed if she was wrong and that was just a random guy waitng for his friend.

 I tried to play it cool too, but in fact I was worried sick. That moment I really wished I would be there so she won't have to be afraid, not just this guy, but any guy or situation that threatens to bring her misfortune. But I said nothing, the last thing I wanted was to make her even more anxious. I hang up with a simple ''Goodnight, if anything happens don't hesitate to call me anytime.''

Next morning I got a call from the police. They called to tell me that a crime took place in the building me and my sister live. I almost passed out hearing those words but the officer told me that it took place in another appartment but they called to asked if I knew the residents. I told them that a girl used to stay in that appartment, she was a student or something. A creep broke into her appartment, raped and killed her. I got sick hearing that, and I couldn't believe that my sister could be in her place..

When she was done with her statement I was able to talk to her. She told me that she identified the dude that was waiting in the car and after that he confessed that he did it. He said that he was waiting for the perfect victim. He described every little sick detail of his actions. He also said that this girl was a random victim, nothing personal. The police asked why he didn't atack my sister instead. He said that he was about to, but as soon he walked out of the car he was spotted by the man in a soldier's unifom, walking in the same appartment as she did.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Yesterday is history, tommorrow's a mystery

 I have to admit that the previous day was really intense. I cannot tell if it was the wine, or the exhaustion or even the insecurity caused by the politican upheaval taking place in the last months but all I was feeling were bad vibrations. Everybody, I mean everybody had to complain about something, not necesserily about me, about staff that piss them off. And that staff are so huge that they would squeeze them into pulp if they got an inch out of their course..

 So, you are the king of your own tiny little world where you make your own rules about morality, and justice, and truth, and you've got a problem with the others kings of their own small worlds because their code doesn't fit yours and won't cope with your shitty perception about society, relationships and morals.. You've got to be fucking kidding me. This is really like a bad joke, people idolizing themselves and their lifestyle because they are too blind and too stipid to take a second and take a look at the bigger picture and realizing that they are so small thay can't even see themselves. And it all comes from the fact that you are so selfish that you would rather live in a made up world than to admit that you just don't have what it takes to be a true and honest person. And so you whine more and more..

 But I am here to tell you that you really are able to be an awesome person even if you don't seem to believe you can. I am here to tell you you don't have to lie, and that you don't have to pretend you are living a life like you really want. That's why it is getting you down, not out of trying, but out of not trying. There is no reason to wait in a lousy job or relationship because is good or nice. Good ain't good enough. The worst thing you can do is doing nothing and wait. Nothing will come if you won't try. And by trying comes great things. You can do and be anything you set your mind to as long as you believe in it. There is nothing that can't be done. We all have potentional in greatness but we have let it in atrophy.

 And by that I will tell you a small story about a canadian dude named Jim West, you can google him if you doubt, who killed a bear with his hands and a stick. The bear attacked him and was all over his arm and ribs, it also gave him a scar on the back of his head, he picked up a stick and nailed it between the bear's eyes. More than once.

 And then there comes you, who is bitching that the tests at school are too hard and your job is tiring and that you're afraid that you're not gonna make it..

 Filling up the title's quotation, today is a gift and that's why they call it present. Make good use of it.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Everything burns

 The time is almost 4 o'clock and I am lying in my bed forcing myself to get some sleep for about an hour. My feet are heavy from working all day, my eyes are swollen out of exhaustion, but still I am not able to get some rest. My body is in ruins, and my mind in turmoile.

 I get up and walk to the living room. I don't turn any lights on. I just sit on the couch trying to clear my thoughts.. My cellphone lies on the table. Nothing on the screen. I type a message: ''I miss you'', dial her number and delete it. Like she would text me back. She doesn't care anymore. We haven't talked in months now. I bet she's fine enjoying herself with her pals or another guy.

 Damn it, I hate myself. Not solely because of her, or all the rest. I hate me when I'm weak and don't dare to follow my heart. Everytime I take a moment and look back to my past I feel sick. It's not like I'm a criminal or anything, but given the chance I did the worst, not even taking for a second to think if my actions would have a bad impact on someone else's feelings.

 So I can't sleep, and turn on the computer again. I check my mail, nothing new. But she's online. She always is, but we never talk. It's my fault, I'm dying to tell her truth. How much she meant to me and how she changed my life but I'm too selfish for that. I try to play tough.. So I just look at her profil, not doing anything, just watching the couple of pictures she's uploaded in the last few months we haven't met. I type her another message ''Hi there!! How've you been?''.. I delete it again..

 I turned off the computer and return to my bed. I can't sleep. So I just think about her a little more, about what she might be doing right now.. Most of the time the thing that troubles me the most is the possibility that she feels the same way, and the only reason that I'm miserable is of my own lack of will..