Goodmorning dear readers, It's been almost a year since I made my first post. It's been real nice sharing my experiences, feelings, thoughts, fears and dreams through this blog but I have to stop due to study and labor obligations.
But the main reason is that I've been working on a novel in the last few months. It will be in three parts, hopefully the first will come on May 2013. I plan it to be on .pdf format, for free of course, but I will also print a few hard copies for anyone interested. I really hope you will enjoy reading it!
I want to thank you all for your support, feel free to join me on my facebook page or profil or on my twitter account where I will make some reposts of old staff, and inform you about my progress.
This last post will be a set of pictures concerning basic emotions.
Thanks again for everything, and in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight!
"I can hear her. Her voice is faint, but it's still there. She's calling me."
The city in the night always depresses me. Everything and everyone painted in black and white, and the moon upon us, pale and scarred, a daily reminderof our god's feelings for our failure.
The other cars are passing us by and I can only wonder where are they all rushing to. My friend doesn't get carried away and drives the car nice and smoothly to reach our destination in comfort.
This playlist we are listening to contains some heavy metal music, which is, if you are asking me, fitting perfect after a boring day to work to get back to your senses.
When we stop at a traffic light he turns down the volume so we can speak.
"Everytime I listen to these songs I feel really good for being raised like that. With these kind of morals I mean. It has nothing to do with all these hipster anti-establishment bullshit. I'm talking about values, like family, friendship, relationships, work ethics... Most of the people in our city are money-centric. If something can't be priced, then it has no value. I feel more angry than sorry towards them. It's something like that german philosopher said, they are allowing their own spiritual rape and they seem quite fine with it. And that's the reason I am angry, cause they rather do nothing than to attempt to change."
The traffic light turns green and we start moving again. I look outside the window and I see all the shoping stores and their blinding lights, some bimbo girls wasted outside a club, a bunch of dudes trying to talk their way with some prostitudes to get them a better price.
"Everyone fears death", I tell him, "and by buying things make us believe that we can also buy life. Immortality. You can't buy a way out no matter how much you postpone it. What if you are 60 and look like 40? Will it make you live longer? Will it get you closer to heaven? Will an expensive computer buy you knowledge? Or will a well paid job buy you dignity? I know that we have the potential to understand everything but we are too far from that, trapped in this concrete jungle, where noone seems to care if the hooker that he buys is just sex, not love. Noone cares. They don't seem to need emotions. Sadly..."
We keep going silent, not turning the music up. I get out the pack of my smokes to light one. I offer him one also but he refuses.
"Come on now, light up that smoke. Stop trying to live for ever."
He laughs and takes it saying that I play dirty.
When he dropped me at my home I had the strong feeling that I will spend all night tormenting my mind with these thoughts, but exhaustion got me first.
In my dreams, at least, I can breath free air and see free skies, and everytime I wake up violently I only think of ways trying to make my dreams come true.
"None is more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe that they are free."
The day was exhausting. It's almost two o'clock in the morning on a hot summer night and I'm laying on my bed smoking the tenth malboro listening to some relaxing music. My stomach is digesting itself and the half bottle of whiskey I consumed in the last two hours, for I haven't eaten anything since breakfast. I want to take a look outside the window to witness our maker's greatest creation, just to make me feel better.
But the poison in mind is in effect. I can't see the world. All I see is a system. And this system is everywhere. It's my appartment, the clothes I wear, the music I like. It makes me obey when it has to stabilize and it makes me retaliate when it sees fit to change it's leader. It has spread nice and warm all over to hide the dominant truth.
That we are slaves. That we were born in bondage. Born in a prison, where everything we see, smell or feel is part of the plan. A prison for the mind.
Being part of a system means being under it's control. Salesmen, politicians, actors, doctors, me, you, we are all under control, manipulated by any means, it has been using and disgracing the most sacred things to make us set our minds to achieve their goal, to win the crown for them. And some of us are so hopelessly dependent on this system that we even fight to protect it.
Having this thoughts I feel desperately weak, and no matter how much alcohol I consume, I cannot feel any stronger. The world seems darker and darker and my last thought as I fall asleep is if questioning this reality is also part of the plan.
Today I took the last bus home from work as usual. The night was freaking hot, and with no air-conditioning I felt like I was melting in a plastic container. The bus is almost empty, there are two guys who I always meet during this route, one of them going home from work, and the older one does something downtown which I couldn't care less to know.
But it's not just us. On the back there are three people, two guys and a girl. They are talking loud and strange. They can't keep their mouth in command, their bodies look weak and skinny. Their skin seems like full of scars, their clothes old, dirty and weared-off. And their eyes red within their black eye sockets, as if they're about to fall off from their skull. Through all of these years hanging out downtown I got used to the sight of wasted junkies. But that doesn't mean I feel nice having them around. Usually my guts turn inside out just in the thought of their rotten inner self and the diseases they might be carring.
Once I tried to understand them you know. Being enslaved to something is the worst humiliation, even if it's not something like drugs, even if it's something like not being able to stay away from a computer for a day, or to surrender to your gluttonous desires all the time. Not beacause you have to, but because you need to.
We already have the potential for greatness, to live our lives free from any addiction controlling our body, mind and life.We are not meant to live our lives in slumber..
''You see doctor, God didn't kill that little girl. Fate didn't butcher her, and destiny didn't feed her to those dogs. If God saw what any of us did, he didn't seem to mind. God doesn't make the world this way. We do.''
Today I called an old friend of mine and went outside to have a nice cup of coffee. Too much stress is bad for my health, and with the cloudy weather leaving it's place for the sun to fit in, it was a nice opportunity.
Amongst the staff we discussed, was the situation in Syria. Having a few relatives there he knew first hand the situation. Even though I've seen some of the footage online, and I was already shocked of the atrocities taking place, I could never believe that they would take it to that level. Their army broke into houses and executed infants under the excuse that they were kin and offspring of the rebels.
I could never imagine that even though we live in a rather advanced age, we would bring back biblical tyrants. Even in a war, their is morality, there should be. Instead our species is calling genocide 'collateral damage'.
Killing in the name of idealism, you should be expecting to be killed in the name of the opposition. By oppressing the mass, you should be expecting a violent eruption. Control is an illusion, and the only way to escape this illusion, is lose it.
''And of course our cause is righteous! This is a war, sister, and in a war, every side is fighting for a righteous cause..''
I woke up in the middle of the night again having one of these hideous nightmares, where you realize you are asleep but no matter what you can't wake up. It's funny how when I am at this state I always dream of been hunted and tortured and all kind of soul consuming things instead of having nice wet dream.
Anyway, with my heart beating it's way out of my chest and my eyes still seeing monsters there is no way of getting back to sleep. So I get dressed grab my pack of smokes and a beer from the fridge and go down to the streets to have a nice late midnight walk.
I drunk my beer on my way downtown, and bought another one from a liquer store since I got there. I find a nice bench and take a sit there. I take out a cigarrette. A tiny voice whispers in my head that it's bad for my health. I look around and take a deep breath. The tear gas the police sprayed all over the place to disperce the protestors make it's way deep into my lungs filling them with it's toxic. I light the cigarrette anyway.
On the bench next to mine is a homeless man sleeping. He has a newspaper on him, as if a piece of paper can protect a man from the wind. Even from this distance I can read the huge headline letters: ''Leftists taking over Europe!''
I don't know if I have to laugh or if I have to cry reading this. Four and a half billion years of evolution leading to a species so desparate to find a group to fit in that will gladly embrace the label of marxist or neonazi or capitalist and so on. So misarable we are that we are accepting a small number of people manipulating us using emotional blackmail, that is targeting either on our need for equality, or on our national conciouness.
People say that money talks. That is not true. Money dooes no talk. Money screams. And it screams with a voice so deafening and frightful that makes entire populations hide back into their houses, not doing anything about their dreams, brainwashing them that there is no other way. Without it we wouldn't work, we wouldn't eat, we wouldn't live.
With one cigarrette left and my eyes tingling out of the venomous city air and of exhaustion I return to my appartment. My bed seems like sweet redemption as I fall onto it. I fall asleep hoping that the monsters will not come for me twice in the same night..
''We learned to cope.. We learned to recognize the danger of the endless envy of those who are not blessed.. We, and our wild obsession!!''
Her kiss is like a breath of life bringing me back from the dead. Her wet lips are moving away from mine and get down on my neck. My senses are going crazy, both sharpened and dull. Her perfume is making it's way towards me. It's tangling me, claiming as it's own, taking me for prisoner.
Her hands are holding the back of my head as she keeps pushing my lips against me. I unbutton my shirt slowly so she can watch. She can't resist putting her hand on my my chest, feeling my heartbeat setting it's own pace like a runaway train.
I get closer and whisper all the staff I wanna do to her, how I am gonna do them, and how good it will feel. Her eyes sparkling, looking directly into mine, it's like I can read her mind through them, all the frames of the nasty and dirty game we are about to play.
Our bodies are sweaty, out of breath and our minds out of this place, living the moment as if the world is about to end, and don't care about the consequences. Our voices speak now no tongue, just moans and words that only the two of us can understand, composing a lovely song solely for our entairtainment..
As I see her sleep and notice these perfect breasts of hers moving up and down as she breaths, bringing a huge smile to my face. The world will not end, but even if it does, I know I will go smiling just thinking of the life we shared, embracing the sun.
They offered me another glass of wine. Although they seem a bit friendly I can't let myself go completely. Their attention is all focused on us. They keep asking us about our lives, our devotion.
The look in their eyes is telling me that they look down on us. I answer their questions, not trying to hide anything - nothing there to hide really, but also trying to avoid verbal traps.
I take a look at the fire that keeps us warm. So quite, yet so powerful, ready to devour all those who don't respect her strenght, but there to protect those who will feed her.
''And so, what do you do, when you have to act? When you ''charge'' towards your enemies? Is there any prayer or a warcry?..''
I took a sip of wine and looked at his face. He had his stare fixed on me, preying on what I will say. I answered anyway..
''I think of her.. Her long black hair, her soft skin.. Her scent touching gently my lips. I call her name loud, so my enemies would know I have something to protect, that I would take this to the edge..''
''I thought knights were godfearing men..'' he said smiling.. ''Isn't it a blasphemy to call upon a human than to a higher and divine power?''
It's a hard thing to describe a feeling to the insensitive. It's like having a disability. Emotionally blind people, turning their envy into hate and trying to make us look like fools.
''Lies... This loud, clumsy, stupid thing -- this is the weapon of the enemy. ...We will not use it.''
Theother day I was out for a cup of coffee and on my way home I found a book on the bus stop. Noone was around so I guessed that someone caught the bus and left it behind. I took a look at it, it was an elementary book for writing essays, this one was focused on interpertation of key terms, how and when we use them. It was quite interesting. Well to be honest, there was a spefic term that it really caught my attention.
popularism: - the existance of simplifying partitionist discrimination, deifying the black-and-white logic
- the view of the people as incorruptible, inpeccable, innocent and uninvolved in any wrong desisions and failures
-the existance of a gifted leader
Well, that sure rings a bell. With the awful financial state we currently are, and the elections coming on in a few days, all I see is people blaming everyone but themselves for our misery, waiting to idolize our new savior, our new hero who will bring the days of prosperity back, and make it all like the way they were.
That's not how it works and I hope people will get to know it before it's too late - as if it already isn't. We took it to the point of no return, misleading our own selves. Life is not a fairytale. There is no white knight in a shining armor coming to save us. Everyone is busy trying to find the someone who will do something different, not knowing that someone is noone but ourselves.
I've always wondered, if there weren't the media to manipulate the mob's thoughts, what would they think of? Would anyone be brave? Or even more mislead? Knowning only everything what the media provides us, we only get a tiny part of the picture. It seems that our world is a lot like Skynet. The system spreads to the whole planet, it's learning from it's mistakes and it's evolving constantly. Even if the evolution of one species means the exctinction of another.
''Their morals, their "code"... it's a bad joke, dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these "civilized people", they'll eat each other.''
The other day I went to my parents' house to pay them a visit. It's been a while since the last time I saw them. My father was at work again so I hang out just with my mother. She told me that earlier that day an old man, almost 80 years old, commited suicide at the town's central plaza. He was motivated by the awful financial situation the goverment brought him due to the extreme measurements they took to repay the country's debts. In his suicidal note he wrote that he didn't want to feed himself of the trash.
I was pretty shocked by this end of course I was not the only one. The next morning the media, necrophilic as always, they fed on his death, idolizing him and making him a martyr. Although, not everyone held the same perspective. Some people believe that this was pretty disgusting and shameful act, doing it in public.
Well, I don't believe he was disgraced, but he was not a hero either. This has to be something else. He wasn't a thirty year-old drug-addicted rockstar, he was a family man in his old age living on his pension. It was something like scorpions do. When they are surrounded by their enemies and there is no escape, they would rather sting their own body than to be eaten alive. I guess, this is something like that. Making full use of your free will. Dying on your feet than living on your knees.
But they got it wrong. It's living on your feet than dying on your knees...
''He made wings out of wax so he could fly.. but when he got too close to the sun... to God... the wax melted and he crashed to the ground.''
Today the sirens of the ambulance woke me up early. It has been a car accident right infront of my house, one of these small trucks hit a guy on a motorcycle. The neighbours told me that the man's heart had stopped for several minutes, but the paramedics managed to revive him even though they were on the street. They said while they were putting him inside the ambulance he kept talking, like most people who had near-death expiriences, for a bright light, a melody, enlightened figures everywhere.
Of course I know that this is not a proof for god's existance nor one of his signs. Science found out that when we are at our final moments, our body excretes a hallucinogenic substance called DMT, the same that uses when we see dreams.
I feel really bad knowing that. It's not that I am the religious kind of person,in fact, I am in favor of scientific progress and I believe that even the slightest of knowledge brings us closer to understanding the universe, but if you take the soul away from us, what is left to believe in?
Deep inside I have the need to believe in something great, in something big, in something that isn't produced in testing tubes and laboratories. I need to believe in something that has iron morals, and is timeless, proud and invulnerable. Sometimes I catch myself being jealous of the ancient Egyptians, the Greeks, the Romans, the Norse. They were told since the day they were born that they were made in the image and likeness of their gods, wise and brave.
We, instead, grew up deifying anything related to money and status. All progress that has been made in the last hudred years was in the name of trade and fame.The void we have has made us suicidal, consuming all this alcohol and drugs, and isolated, with no deep and real human relationships.
But I want to believe, even though I know there exist no giant snake wrapped around the earth, no titan holding the sky and no light at the end of the tunnel. I will still look at the stars and the moon and recall all the myths surrounding their beauty, I will still take a moment to catch my breath by the sea to enjoy it's freshness, and above all, I will still look inside the eyes of the people I love and care about, and I will know that this feeling is not just a chemical reaction, but ,indeed, something divine.
''Left are the kings of the Carnival Creation, carring out the echoes of the fallen.''
Last night I couldn'n sleep again. Dammit, I hate it when this happens, my body feeling so exhausted and tired, but my mind still in haste. I get off my bed, I just want to get outside. I get close to the window but I can tell from the sounds that it's raining heavily. Well, it's not raining, it's a hailstorm.
''Fuck that shit, if I stay in for another minute I will propably lose my mind''
Talking to myself was always a sign of me going downhill. I wear the warmest clothes I have, I put lots of whiskey in a flask, wear a raincoat -implying it will do any good- and take of.
As soon I got out I drunk a huge sup of whiskey. The wind is blowing as hell and I try to take shelter in my own clothes. When I finally reached the metro station the booze was already over and my mind was taking me places.
I've reached downtown in a blink of an eye. Riots took place the day before so the streets are still in ruins. The walls are written all over with all kinds of anti-political quotes, ''eat the rich'', ''state kills'', ''freedom isn't free'' and a lot simiral words inspiring conflict. In fact, politics were never good. It's just that we are used to live in comfort and it's hard to accept change and to adapt to the new status.
I saw a couple holding each other's hand tight trying to catch a bus. This scene got me really emotional and sad. I found a place to keep me away from the storm and light a smoke. Too bad there is no more whiskey. I took a look at my cellphone. Out of reach. I didn't expect to get a signal in this kind of weather.
When I finished my cigarette I got back home. My body couldn't take it any more so I fell asleep, but my mind was still in haste, running hand to hand with her, trying to catch a bus.
I was having my morning coffee today and checking my online staff when I noticed that Dani had tagged me in a sort of a game. Well, what the hell, it sounds like fun.
Rule#1: Put the rules on your blog.
Rule#2: Every person tagged should tell 11 things about themselves, answer the 11 questions asked by the one that tagged you, tag 11 other people and ask them 11 different questions.
Rule#3: Let the people whom you tagged know you've done so.
Rule#4: Don't tag anyone who's been tagged before.
Rule#5: Really do tag 11 others, don't go all ''if you want to take this tag''.
And so.. Eleven things about myself, huh?..
1. I enjoy reading.
2. I enjoy writing.
3. I enjoy listening to music.
4. I enjoy composing.
5. I enjoy playing all kind of string instruments (this includes the pothing t iano).
6. I enjoy solving puzzles.
7. I enjoy working out.
8. I enjoy smoking.
9. I love junk food.
10. I want to take a trip around the world with my girlfriend..
11. I hate the police.
Dani's questions had nothing to do with that, I'm giving them to you.
1. If you could have one day with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?
I guess I would go for Epicurus, although the greatest part of his teachings were saved till this day by his followers, I'd like to meet the man himself.
2. What's the strangest talent you have?
If getting lost is a talent, then I got this one!
3. Who would like to be tied to for 24 hours?
That's an easy one, with the woman of my life.
4. Big or small?
Big.
5. Weirdest place you've had sex?
Office.
6. Porn?
Nope.
7. Would you like to go to space?
Who wouldn't?
8. Ferrari or Lampo?
Ferrari.
9. What are you wearing right now?
Pijamas.
10. What would you rather have in a partener... Youth and vitality, or age and axperience?
VIII. Describe your ideal partener, figure and occupation.
IX. Describe a house.
X. Describe a tree.
XI. Describe a wild animal (size, built etc.)
When most of you hve answerer I will post a psychological profil for the answers you gave. (Not personally for every and each one, just the meaning of the possible answers.)
Last night I went downtown to get a couple of drinks. My girlfriend was studing for her exams so I called a guy I know through the univercity to keep me company.
He is a decent guy. With his job and house and girls and all. But he doesn't seem like it. He always seem to be missing something. A void in him.
He kept telling me about other people, how they make it and do great things, things that he wanted too. And also how the media manipulates any sort of things. I kept telling him that the answer is simpler than he thinks.
''Thing is we've made it too easy for them. Take a look at ourselves. We're so absorbed by the small staff, and they take advantage of it, and it's only natural. The field and players might have changed but the rules are still the same. The best man wins. To succeed you must suffer. You have to sacrifice. You have to devote yourself to your goal. If you do but still feel incomlete, it means your goal is not what you really want. It's not so easy to get to know yourself. But you don't have to stop and settle for what has been given, always try for more. The vikings, you know,used to believe that it is a blasphemy to pray asking for something, because their gods had already made them perfect with all the potential they'll need. We, on the other hand, are taught to be weak spirited due to bad influence and low standards.''
''..And now what?''
''Well, at least now you know.''
It's almost 1 o'clock and I make my way home on foot. Thor stikes the earth with bright thunder and heavy rain, trying to wash away and purify the corruption of mankind. It's not ok to settle. It's not ok to leave things as they are. Telling myself that my life is ok as it is won't do me any good. I've done some fucked up mistakes and choices, but I am here knowing it, not hiding it, not telling again and again myself that since I wanted it at a given moment in the past automatically makes it right and good.
A world full of smiling cannibals, covering their rotten skin with make up, money-starving attention whores. The good thing is that we will learn how to swim, by watching you drown.
It's one o'clock in the afternoon and I am still sleeping. I guess this is what you get if you force yourself to sleep at five o'clock in the morning. The phone woke me up violently, I know I shouldn't be asleep at this time of the day, I'm just wasting it, but I can't help it. It was my mother, she asked me if would come over. I told her I have to go to work.
I drew the curtains and took a look outside the window. It's snowing. At last. The forecast told that the temperture would drop these days, but living downtown in a mediterranian city I didn't expect this.
I made myself a hot cup of coffee and put on some fast music to sharpen my senses. I ate a couple of toasts and a croissant and got dressed to go to work.
Damn it's cold. I can't recall the last time my bones where chilling that hard. I was making large steps to get to the bus stop as soon as possible. On my way, a little girl came close. Living here I am used to gypsies or junkies begging for money so I could tell by the look on her face she would ask for something, and I knew I would decline quick and keep on going.
The thing is that this girl was not a gypsy or a junkie. She was just a 12-year old kid. She asked me if she could use my phone. Acting mechanically I said no and looked away.
I was only feet away and felt disgusted about myself. Why did I refuse? I was not in that hurry, That girl might've been lost or something and propably she would call her parents or a relative. She wouldn't have been able to memorize a lot of numbers in that age. But still I didn't look back, I just left her there.
Where have all the feelings gone? Is this what society turned us into? The saddest thing is that I know that most of the people around me would have done the same thing, and that's why I don't have fear of judgement. But deep inside I know that's not right. It's not right to turn your back on someone in need. You don't need a reason to help people. I want to change myself, and the world.
The cold I feel inside matches the cold reaching my skin. The only thing I keep telling myself is what of a miserable person I am, not because I didn't help a stranger, but because I held the lamest of excuses, that noone else would.
Last night I tried to check wikipedia for an article but it was blacked out, due to reaction to that SOPA thing. I was familiar that the US is trying to pass a cencorship bill, that is aimed to bring down piracy..., and also knew that some sites threatened that they stop working for a day just as a warning. The thing is that I thought that most of the major websites were against it, including facebook, youtube and twitter, but instead they did nothing. Or so it seems like.
Truth is that they can do whatever they want whether we like it or not, this bill will just give them the right to. You know, I don't feel comfortable that they own and abuse technology that way. I don't like the fact that if I have an adroid phone they can know everything that I do, and everyone seem like they don't mind or don't care.
The sad fact is that in this internet kingdom, we are but the commoners, and the noble ones will do a business arrangement, adapt to the new system, and drag us with them.
Today I went to my parents' house for lunch. My father wasn't there, he had to go to work, it was just my mother, so I ate with her. Once we were done she had to go out to buy some staff. I was kinda annoyed, but the doorbell rang. It was my grandpa, he came to visit by coincidence. So, my mother decided to go out shopping and left as at home until she came back.
It was nice being with him. It must have been months since the last time I saw him, and years since we had a decent conversation like the one we had today. I told him about several staff, but I focused on how shitty things have turned out at work, that I think bad about most fellows there and that affects a lot the way I act and think all day long. He told me to get rid of these bad emotions because if I let them, they will alter my personality without me noticing. To make me understand it even more he told me an old prverb told by the native americans.
''Inside every man's soul there are two wolves dueling.
The one is full of anger, envy, sorrow, disppointment, arrogance, self-pitting, greed, guilt, insults, vanity, lies and ego.
The other is full of joy, peace, love, hope, tranquillity, kindness, charity, compassion, generosity, truth, and faith.
The one winning, the one that will stand by your side, is the one that you feed the most....''
Yesterday my girlfriend showed up and picked me up from work. I got really excited not only for seeing her, but also for having a bottle of Jagermeister with her. We rode a bus that took as some miles outside the town, in a small city with no points of interest other than a small port. We picked up some woods and started a small fire in the beach to keep us warm, the cold and humidity were really reaching our bones.
Fire, alcohol and cuddling were keeping our bodies warm. We kept talking about us, how everything started and where we are going. I kinda enjoy these kind of conversations, it's part of being in a relationship. There was no more of that Jagermeister for several hours, and we kept looking at the sky, feeling poetic.
''You know'', I said, ''the stars are so far that the light needs decades to reach us. Some of them are already dead and all we see is their last breath..''
''What if all the stars have gone out?'' she replied ,''What if there is nothing left but us?... God's last work, he made us and then killed himself... Doesn't it make you sad, to realize, how alone we really are?''
Thinking of that I got goosebumps. I instantly imaniged the endless ocean, calm and beautiful, the high mountains, silent and strong, the pure forests, fresh and cool.. Are we really alone? The last species to witness the creator's final deeds?
The sun is coming up, the fire is out and we're almost asleep one in other's arms. We get up and go to the bus station to catch the first one back to the city. We were sleeping the whole time until we got back, a kind of depression hit me once I got home, as if there is so much to feel and I deliberately deprive myself of them..
Today I had lunch with this co-worker of mine. It gets somehow annoying when you get in touch with a person only at a certain place, so thats how I said what the hell, still better than coffee at the office.
These kind of lounge coffee bistro restaurant combining serving hot drinks and medium quality food overpriced really get on my nerves, for they have managed to make people believe they are classy. Anyhow, I orderer an ice-cold beer and a steak, the perfect combination. She had white wine with pasta, typical girl.
When we were done she offered me a smoke, but I refused for I am trying to quit. She started talking to me about how she broke up with her boyfriend. They had a relationship for a year or so and they seemed to be in love, but then she cheated on him.
''You know'', she was saying, ''it's not like I regret doing it with that guy in the club, it's just I still wanna be with Mike. He still loves me you know, and so am I..''
That words of her made me furious. How can you be in love with someone and do something like that?
''Our relationship was too good, if you know what I mean. Sometimes I feel like I want to destroy something beautiful, and that moment I did.''
I took a cigarrette from her pack of smokes and fired it up. That feeling god damn it. I have it on many things. From things on my work, clothes, even in this store. Will I be eventually like her? Will I put my ego above anything else around me and offer nothing but bitter emotions? I believe that people should always follow their heart, but what if their heart tells them something like that, to cheat on someone, or to start a random fight?
The smoke I inhale takes me even deeper inside myself, makes me wonder what I want to do and what I should do, if there is right and wrong. I guess the change comes from within.
Once we were done I paid the bill and went home. I take a look at the pictures on the wall, then in the mirror. That's me alright. Still fighting, still trying, not to let anyone down.
