Saturday, December 24, 2011

Midnight cookies

 It's been raining for two days in a row. I'm sitting in the middle of my room, on my nice and comfortable chair, the sound of slow jazz Christmas music is adjusted with perfect hamony to the melody created by the rain hitting on the street. Everything is slightly illuminated by the small lights on my Christmas tree. Those small and faint but colourful lights make her figure look even more divine, even more sinful. Yes, she is right here with me, my warrior woman, ,my valkyrie. Feeling the lighting that strikes some miles away, it's hard even for me to doubt if she's real and not one of Odin's followers, sent to me by the golden halls to give me the night of my life.

She comes close following the slow rythm of the music. Although her skirt reaches the top of her knee she pulls it up a couple of inches as she walks, just enough to remind me of that perfectly smooth legs of hers. She gets as close as it's necessery for her perfume to reach for me and take over my five senses and stands there. She pulls her hands all the way up her belly, then her chest until she reaches the back of her neck. She gives me one of those lustful and wet looks which makes you go nuts even with the thought of putting your lips against hers. And not just the lips, her whole body seems like a temple ready to be worshiped.

Slowly and steady she opens her shirt buttons, unveiling her breast, not all of it, but just enough to make you stare at her for a couple of minutes. She came closer, on top of me but not touching me. She enjoys teasing me, she could do that all night long. She moves up and down infront me, our lips touch for a brief moment, and then she moves, putting my face between her breast and then even more so I am at her belly, Her hand at the back of my head brings me goosebubs that go through my spine to my entire body.

I can feel her breath going through my neck to the back of my ear, and a whisper .. ''I want you. I want now. I want you forever''. I want you forever too babe. My desire for you is like a never-ending flame, meant to last the years to come. I lift her with my arms and throw her on my bed. Even though I'm burning with passion I don't make any hasty moves. I undress with simple and slow moves so she can observe and enjoy every second. When I throw myself at her we both lose control. Our subconsiousness take over, letting our ensticts speak and act for us. Her body is all over me, my hands reach and touch all over her, my lips wipe the sweat off her hot skin.That sensation of two bodies becoming one, so pure and so ferocious.

Once we were done, she fell asleep in my arms. Although the sound of the rain and the soft light of the Christmas tree can be a lullaby that will bring you a great sleep full of lovely dreams,  I cannot sleep, for the fear of her being away the day after keeps me wandering in my head. Then she gives me a kiss on the right chick and says she loves me. Now I can ascend to a beautiful relaxing sleep full of dreaming wonders.

All I want for Christmas is you babe..





Saturday, December 17, 2011

Not your fate

 Yesterday I didn't feel like going home after work. So I went downtown, and made my self comfrortable in the first bar I run into. It was a nice and quiet place. Kinda warm also actually, every furniture made of wood, some mirrors on the walls and some nice paintings, of ship and landscape. There are only a few people around, a couple on the table in the back making out, two guys next to the door talking loud about the girls they had sex with, the bartender cleaning some glasses, me smoking my cigarette and a guy next to me by himself, drinking slowing his whiskey.

The door opens and a gypsy came in asking for charity. She went to the guys at first but sent her away loudly, then she talked to the couple in the back but they didn't pay any attention. Then she reached for the guy next to me. This guy looked really lost in his thoughts, his deep stare at the picture infront of him told me that. He was about forty I guess, he was wearing a pair of jeans and a shirt, and next to him he had his lether jacket. He didn't seem in the mood for chating but the gypsy insisted.

 She offered to read his palm. The guy answered bold he didn't believe in these kind of nonsense. She would not leave him alone so he just let her do it so she would let him be.

 She looked at it with great interest. She told him that he will die young, because his life line is short.

 He looks at her and laughs. He takes out a pocket knife, put it against his palm and made the line longer, with a huge satisfying smile upon his wrinkled face.





Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Our world is not a cage

 Last Sunday I visit an old friend. We used to be at the same class when we were younger. He did good. Graduated from a good university, and now working for a major company. He lives in a rather large and luxurius appartment even though he lives by himself.

We talked for hour about random staff, political, economical, women, and although he hold alot of knowledge on every short of topic, it wasn't our conversation that put me in deep thoughts for hours and hours; it was something in his livingroom, a large fishtank, full with colourful fish that made the water look like a rainbow from another dimension.

 It is said that these kind of fish don't long for the ocean, because they've never tasted it. I refuse to believe that. When I see animals that were born and raised in captivity I can tell that their missing something, in their stare, in their moves. It's something subconsious, an instict, a missing part taken violently away from them.

I took a look at myself. Is there any of our premitive emotions left? Did they made it through the ages? Is that the reason we cannot fit in harmony in this concrete jungle? Is it the same when we cannot find one to fall in love completely? An old myth says that in ancient times humans had two heads, four arms and four legs and Zeus got afraid of their potential and spit them into two people. Therefore, we spent our lives looking for our other half. Is this the reason why most people walking this earth feel miserable and try to fill their lives with false hope? In lack of comprehention of a primal calling?

 Walking home I couldn't stop thinking about how our lives are made out of plastic and instant things and feelings that fade away in a blink of an eye. A life in fast forward, trying to catch nothing but thin air while the infinite already surrounds us.



Friday, December 2, 2011

Starfish

 ''When washed on the shore, the starfish make no effort to be saved. They close their pores; reserve their energy, hoping that the next tide will pull them back in the sea.''

 Another day spent entirely in front of the laptop. I'm begging to find something that can keep me focus and interested for a great period of time. The internet fails at that. Social networks are just for guys and girls posing in their so cool magazine style pictures, and videogames just won't cope with me. I have one of my friends on the phone, just talking about random staff. He asks if I can join him for a beer.

''I told you, I can't. I'm spending the weekend with my father.''

 I hear a buzzing tone from my cellphone. My dad texted me, he wants to get him his backpack.

''Well, I have to go. I'll ask and I'll call you back. Ok, bye.''

  My dad.. Well, I guess they had  good reason getting divorced with mom. When someone has this ''artistic'' style of character it's hard to deal with him. So much for mom, who was always in need of a person next to her. He now has a girlfriend. He changes them from time to time. He leaves quite isolated, in a house by the sea outside the city. He only gets company when he ''has to''. He is a reporter, so he travels alot. He goes wherever the newspaper wants him to go.

 I get my jacket and go to the living room to get his things. I close the door to the balcony and see him on the beach taking pictures. I go outside to get to him. The tide had brought a bunch of starfish, which are now subject to my father's pictures. On my way to him, I pick up a starfish and threw it back to the sea. I take one step and throw in another one. I reach him and gave him his staff and turn around to leave.

 ''Stay with me for a while'' he said to me.

  It's ok I guess..

''What are the girls cooking?''

''Dunno. They said to go upstairs in a while..''

 We stay quiet for a while..

''I haven't seen so many in years... Quite a storm, wasn't it''.. he said in an attempt to break the ice..

''Yes.'' I don't care what he says, I just try to play nice.

''Back in time, when they were washed on the shore, I used to spend 5 film rolls a day. I saw you were throwing them back in the sea.. A couple of you and I could never pursue a career.''

His words were filled with irony, and that small laugh of his made me furious but I didn't say a word. I was just staring at the cloudy sky, letting my thoughts carry me away.

''We are preparing a tribute for the regions hit by disaster and I'm leaving next week for a couple of days. Do you want to come with me?''

 ''No.''

He lights up a cigarrete, obviously annoyed from my denial.

''If you worry about absence at school, your mother can provide an excuse.''

''It's not it''

 ''Then?!''

 '''I just don't want to!''

 He seems clearly pissed off. He takes a deep breath of smoke.

''You won't have many chances to see something like this. The picture after the disaster.. it leaves you speechless. Only then you will realize how small and weak we are.''

My dad.. He is the kind of people I hate. And I would if we weren't blood related. Small and weak.. I don't know the meaning of these words. I can't feel them. The only emotion I have towards them is disguss. We can anything we set our minds to. There is no limit to what can be done. My dad is too narrowminded to comprehend that..

I get on my my feet, and take a look at him. As I am taking off, I pick up another starfish..

''No, we're not''.. and I send it back to the ocean..

special thanks to Katerina Gkioulmichalaki for the concept and the film!


Monday, November 28, 2011

Where hearts go to break

 ''How do you know you love someone?''

 ''It's when you get along with each other. You like the same things, and you both enjoy going to certain places. And if you're attracted to each other you have the perfect combination.''

 ''Too shallow''...

--

''How do you know you love someone?''

 ''If you want to share everything with someone, good staff, bad staff, and you would do anything for that person and don't care about the consequenses. It's about giving everything to someone and be complete just for doing it, without waiting something in return.''

 ''I can feel that's close, but unconditional love ain't love at all''...

 --

 ''How do you know you love someone?''


 ''You just know. From the first time you'll meet a person you might feel it when your eyes meet. A sparkle, a note. It's something beyond our compehension. Our souls know it and our bodies know it. All we have to do is trust the universal bond we have and everything will follow.''


 ''Can't be that easy''..


--


''How do you know you love someone?''


 ''.. When it's over..''

--






Thursday, November 24, 2011

The greatest sin

 It's hard to think with a head full of rain. I walked yesterday through blistering cold to get home from work. Some say walking is anxiolytic. I'm sad I don't feel the same about it. Actually I'm sad I don't have the same feelings as most people around me have for most things. Once I got home I swallowed two pills of lexotanil to force myself to sleep.

When in tranqualizers, you never really fall asleep, your spirit doesn't ascend to the heavens to recieve pure relaxing dreams, relieving you even these few hours from the pain of reality. Instead, you pass out, and when you come to your senses you feel all your muscles like you haven't moved them for a year or so.

I woke up, today it's my day off. Although I don't really feel like doing anything. God, what has gotten into me?.. Since when was the last time I enjoyed myself?.. I cannot tell. And I don't want it anymore. I need something anything, that will bring me to my previous energetic state. Some sort of remedy, or an elixir that will bring a soul back to this body. But what is it? What is this that I really lack?

 The phone rings, it's my girlfriend. I don't want to see her. It's not that she can't chear me up, the thing is that it's temporary, once she's gone I'm down again. Some of my friends text me. They will hang out to get some beers. I don't wanna go. Alcohol won't do me any good. Getting wasted it's not the kind of fun I need right now. God damn it..

I put some badass music to listen. I take a look at the pile of comicbooks in my room. I really used to like this staff. I pick a random issue and start reading. It's not that interesting. Not until the last page that is. In the last page was this guy, Nick Fury, talking to captain America's grave. His words reached the deepest corners of my heart.

''The greatest sin is doing nothing, when you could be giving everything.. Of dreaming too small..''

That was it. I killed my dreams and replaced them with meaningless shit. That's the reason I feel this void inside me. My soul hungers for something more, something above the pleasures of the flesh, something full of pure essence. I plan to feed it. I will get rid of the things that keep rotting my mind, all the delusions of love, and fun and well being. I will get something real. Something true. Something that will fill heart with joy, and no matter what I will never let go of it. Something worth fighting for it, dying for it, going to hell for it.

 It's all inside us, but noone can teach us how listen. All we need to do is stand still and pay attention. When it's over we'll be full of scars. It won't be easy. But it will all be worth it.

 I take a look at the box of lexotanils. I throw it away. It's gonna be one long night, leading a series of long nights to come. But it's ok, since I have a sense of purpose. It's ok I can do this. From chained to my weakness, I'll be chasing my weakness away. And dreaming small no more...



Friday, November 18, 2011

Dreamwalking

''A dream you dream alone is a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.'' - John Lennon

 I woke up in thIe middle of night. I took a look at my alarm clock. 2:00. It's been third night in a row where I cannot sleep. I look at my pillow and it was soaking wet. Was I crying in my sleep? The darkness around me is way too thick. A full grown man been afraid of such thing.. I turn around and try to get some rest. No luck there. I get up and get dressed. Maybe a walk downtown will be just fine..

I get on the street and wait for the bus. Across the street are two prostitudes, with their make up and skirts on, ready to their job. You know some people curse them for choosing the easy way for making money, but I feel sorry for them, cause it won't be long when they will realize that they were walking on the wrong way for too long. The bus arrives..

I take a seat in the back, by the window and watch outside as we pass by all the closed stores and quiet houses. The bus stops at a traffic light. I look outside and I see a couple arguing real intense. Then the guy throws a punch at the girl and knocks her down, and then she bursts into tears. These guys are the worst cowards, they have to hit girls to feel like men..

In about five I'll be reaching my destination. I take a look  at the guy on the other side of the buss. He is doing something, I couldn't tell from the start, but when I took a closer look I noticed that he was making a line out of cocaine and sniff it up his nose real nice. I was really disgusted with him and myself, because I stood my and watched.. Finally I arrived at my stop.

As I walk to reach the plaza I walk in front one of these electro-gothic clubs. I see these girls walking inside, dressed up with mesh stockings and leather sorts. All lustful and ''evil'' and ready and for everything, everywhere. Where did the heart go? Is it worth it to exchange it for a moments pleasure? As I arrive to the plaza I see an empty bench and take a seat..

There are a coule of folks around, drinking beers, smoking pot. I notice my ex-girlfriend. She looks at my direction. I pretend not looking at her. She wants to come over and say hi, but she is too selfish for that, she will wait for me to make that move. But I won't. No reason to play friendly or anything. My phone rang, someone texted me.

 It's my girl, my one and true love. She says she worries too much and she wants to call her. We haven't talked in three days now, I don't want her to have my troubles in her mind. I kinda feel like a cactus. She holds me tight in her arms, and the tighter she holds the more I hurt her with my needles. I didn't respond her. I got carried away by my thoughts of her..

It's almost five o'clock and my stomach is digesting itself. I have eaten almost nothing today, but its not like I have apetite for anything eatable.. I go to the nearest subway station and take a cappuccino from the vending machine. It's hot and sweet and the its fragnance takes me to another heavenly dimesion filling my whole being. But then reality hits me like a kick in the nuts, when I realize that this coffee is nothing but dust mixed with hot water by a souless thing.. I threw it away and get in the subway..

The sun is up when I arrive at home. I got rid of my clothes and fell on my bed. I couldn't stop thinking of her and how much she means to me. With just her in my mind I cried myself to sleep..



Tuesday, November 15, 2011

As they come, so they go

 Yesterday I got a phone call from a friend. She sounded really upset and told her that it would be best to discuss whatever the problem was face to face rather over the pone, so I asked her to come over. When she arrived I made her a cup of coffee and offered her some of my homemade cupcakes. I turned on the radio and we sat comfortable in the living room. We started talking, and it turned out that she got fired a couple of days ago due to personnel reduction.

 ''You know that was so unfair, they could have fired other guys who were less productive than me, but they mind the personal relationship an employee has with the managers greater than productivity. So unprofessional, and so not fair.. And I've rejected some good job offers by working there and now I'm unemployed and I think it would take me more time than I can afford to get a new job..''

  She was really upset saying these words so I gave my best to try and calm her down.

 ''You know this kind of injustice happens all the time. There are some people who make theirselves up the foodchain by using all the means they have, and this includes immoral ones. But the point is that you have to take a moment and ask yourself, would you go down to their level and become someone who would sell out his dignity just to keep a job, or would you stick to your code and remain true and righteous?''

''I would like to be that romantic but the bottom line is that I have a lot of expenses to cover and unable to right now while some other people, who do not deserve it, are.''

''Well first of all I think that neither of us is qualified to decide what someone else deserves. And as for the first part, as Ghandi said, if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change. Getting fired isn't necessery a bad thing. I believe that something good will come out from this story. It's not as it's the end of the world.''

 My words didn't seem to have an effect as strong as I expected. Her mind was still in great confusion because she can realize the gravity of the situation. I gave her a ride back home and she told me that she would stay at her brother's place for a while, until she sets her mind on what to do next. I wished her luck and told her that whatever she needs she could call me anytime, meaning it, for in the end, one another is all we have.



Saturday, November 12, 2011

Semblance of love

 It's friday, another lousy day at work where I can't wait for my shift to come to an end. At last the clock reaches five, a get my jacket, wish everyone ''have a nice weekend'' and get the hell out of there. I turn on the radio in my car to catch up with the latest news and to listen to some relaxing music. It's like a gift send out of heaven, takes me to another dimension, since if I dare to look out of the window my conciouness crashes on top of the traffic, protesters, hookers and drunks all over the streets. All loud and dirty and determind that they got it all right.

 The first thing I do once I've arrived at home is getting rid of my shoes. I put some whiskey in a glass and sit back in the couch. The phone disturbs violently my meditation. It's a friend of mine, he wants to hung out in a bar downtown tonight. What the hell, why not?

  I've been waiting for him in the bar for about thirty minutes. I order another drink. This place is crowded with a bunch of losers like myself, thinking they're superior from the other guys who hung out in dance clubs. I look to the entrace to check if my friend arrived. Instead I saw her, Christine. She was wearing leather boots, black tights and a corset. Most people will call her a slut or a whore but it's nothing like that. She feeds on men's flesh. She is an amazon. And every now and then she looks for the strongest, most capable male to conquer and to make sure she still is unable to fall in love.

 I take a look at my watch and return to my drink. Where is that guy anyway?.. I feel a breath in the back of my ear and a whisper.

''Excuse me, do you have a light?''

  It's Christine. Her eyes sparkle as she looks directly into mine. I smile and light the cigarette on her lips.

''I haven't seen you around for a while.. Where you've been?'' she asks me.

''You know, around. Work and staff.''

''That's some nice shirt you're wearing'' she said and put her hand against my chest.

Suddenly my mind left my body and went six months back, to that one fiery night where she was mine. Stone drunk, just I was, losing control on each other,  there was no way we could hold back. It's almost like I can still feel her lips on mine, soft, warm and wet. Her perfume all over my sheets, and my body trembling as much as hers since we were done.

She breaths the smoke on my face and I cannot stop thinking of the sensation of her skin on me. Her voice pulls me down to earth.

''Isn't that Mike?''

God damn it he is. I wave at him so he can see us.

''Hello there,  sorry I'm late''

''It's ok, I had company'' I said.

''So, I leave you guys talk about men staff, I can see someone I know back there, I'll hang out with them. We'll catch up later'', Christine respond.

I watched her walk away and fell kinda sad, then Mike started talking about his wife and the trouble they are having getting through financially. It's not like I don't care, I've known him since forever but my mind is set on her. Christine, the amazon. I've always loved her. Always, and never.



Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The quiet world

 In an effort to get people to look into each other's eyes more, and also to appease the mutes, the government has decided to allow each person exactly one hundred and sixty-seven words per day.

 When the phone rings I put it to my ear without saying hello. In the restaurant I point at chicken noodle soup. I am adjusting well to the new way.

  Late at night I call my long distance lover, proudly I say I only used fifty-nine words today, I saved the rest for you.

 When she doesn't respond I know she's used up all her words, so I slowly whisper I love you thirty-two and a third times. After that we just sit on the line and listen to each other breath.

-Jeffrey McDaniel









Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Believe in the ideal, not in the idol


 Yesterday I got really tired of home. I got my jacket and my pack of smokes and headed for the park. I left my cellphone on my desk, I need some quality time for myself. I made only one stop on my way, to the liqueur store. I got a bottle of scotch, you know that small ones that pass around these days, that are just a quarter of the litre, more than enough if you ask me. And so, since I got full equipped, I arrive at the park find an empty bench and sit back comfortable.

 The dusk was giving me a strange feeling, a weird tranquility. I wandered into my thoughts and lost the track of time until a familiar voice brought me down to earth.

 ''Hey hi there! How come you're by yourself?''

 ''Hello, nice surprise! The walls where drowning me so I just headed out''

 She was a friend of mine, we've been neighbours for several years and we hang out now and then. A typical girl in her twenties. We talked about random things at first, but the conversation lead to a place where she is tells me on and on how much she needs a change in her life.

 ''I think I might change my hair style and my dress code. It might get me more successful at work and with guys you know..'' she said.

 The whiskey was already kicking in so I spoke out my mind..

 ''Respect isn't something that can be won over by clothes. A job is not only a matter of what seat you have, and how much you get paid. A relationship is not just about sex. Friendship ain't just hitting bars and getting wasted. There's more in that. So much more and you're putting it aside over nothing.''

 ''You're not completely right. Money, sex and entertainment may not be the only things, but they are the the things modern society was built on. And as about respect, my looks is just a mean I am willing to use to get it.''

 With that answer of her she put on her serious looks and was looking at me straight into the eye waiting for my answer. So I felt like quoting some lines taken by a movie..

 ''You are not your clothes. You are not your job. You are not the money you have in the bank. You are not the things you possess. And more important, judging by what you said, you are not special. Everyone is willing to sell out their dignity and morals for a good job or to get the best looking guy or girl, so you are just following up the stream. Does that suit up with you? Does it make you feel complete? I doubt. It just gives you a semblance of happiness and well being. By imitating the life a celebrity or anyone you look up to it doesn't mean that you will be him. Or even more, how do you know that the lifestyle the media shows up aren't just a part of the show? Just to make you feel less miserable...''

 I got drifted away by excitement, I could be lecturing for hours, but I couldn't wait for her to feed me with her response..

 ''You know, we are still young, we are allowed to make mistakes, and to act without thinking. It doesn't mean that I will do that for the rest of my life.''

 ''This is the rest of your life, and you are wasting it minute by minute, by being emotionless to things with value and by worshiping bastards like Luis Viton and Lamborghini. They gave you the delusion of supremacy, after they gave you the feeling that successful people are connected to these staff. The truth is that successful people aren't connected with staff at all, they bond with other people. That's their strength, that's their blessing.''

 She was looking at the ground thinking of the things I said.

 ''So what are you suggesting?''

 I smiled, looked her and said

 ''All you need is love, babe..''

 She smiled back, gave me a hug and drunk a sip of my whiskey.

 We got another one of that small bottles at the liqueur store, we talked a little more and went to the theatre to watch a late movie. When it was over I walked her home, she lives close to me anyway. She asked me to come upstairs for a goodnight drink, but I had staff of my own on my head so I refused kindly and scheduled for another night.

 For another night.. You know, lonely people aren't alone because they enjoy solitude. They are alone because they tried but are unable to find a way to fit in..




Friday, October 21, 2011

Illusions of grandeur


An old friend came to visit me this morning. We talked about relationships, work issues, political and society stuff. As you can already imagine the conversation was getting downhill, so we opened an old high school album to cheer up by recalling the past.

There are us, the whole class in our uniforms with our teacher, mr Gamper in the middle, all tall and serious in his suit and tie. Although I can tell now he was a communist he never told us out straight in case we judged him with our inexperienced minds. I can see me and my friend in the picture, you can see the difference if you see us now, all beardy and stuff. At the corner I can see Nikki, the prettiest girl of the class, I used to be in love with her but of course never told her anything. She got pregnant in college and forced to marry that guy, who might have been cool, but was no husband/father material and got addicted to alcohol and other staff and started beating Nikki and the kid all the time. Next to the teacher are the class bullies, James, Rick and Mick. They used to prank everyone with no exceptions, and the girls seemed to like their style. Mick and James made up their minds later, got to a university and got a job at an insurance company. Rick on the other hand, got really deep into gambling and he ended up owning a lot of money to lenders. I do not know if he got out of it yet.

For every person there is a story to tell. Especially for this skinny guy, Sergey, who was the most unnoticed guy in the whole school, there where even some teachers who didn't know he existed. This one, just a year before graduation, brought his life upside down . He got really obsessed with body building and started working out. I don't know if there was anyone behind this but suddenly he started taking these protein shakes and nutrition amplifiers and he worked out like his life depended on it. In just four months we could all see the difference, not just on is body but on the way he talked and think. His whole life warped around a gym and a mirror. He looked up to guys with huge muscles who posed on  magazines.

We move on to the next photos on the album, there are several from random school plays and some with the guys we used to hang out then, some in random clubs, some in the park. There is one from a basketball play. I see a lot of familiar faces in the court but I cannot tell their names, it has been several years, but on the bench there is a guy I recognize, Sergey. It's been some time that his has been ''fit'' but I guess he weren't that functional so the coach let him out. By that time he got several pounds, still that's the only thing he thinks of, day and night, working out, taking the supplements, and rest so the muscles will get the proper growth. Of course rhe didin't have any friends, the only guys he socialized with were the guys from the gym.

The next one was from the graduation party that took place in a huge beach club. It's really weird I forgot that night, for it was really shocking. Sergey has been working out for about a year and he became a real musculine guy, all eyes were on him. Although he has changed his appearance, the guys from school were teasing him for being a wuss and soft and all that things. Sergey wasn't the type of guy that would get involved in fights no matter what, and got really sad that no matter what he did noone would ever respect him. So he took a bottle of vodka and got wasted with that. He was all laughing and dancing and singing not giving a damn about everyone. At about 4 o'clock he said he'd lay on the sand to catch his breath. He seemed really tired. At first we thought that he just fell asleep out of exhaustion, but when some got near to wake him up we all came to realize the fact that Sergey was no more.

The doctor said that it was due to heart failure, caused by the combination of alcohol and anabolics. Me and my friend became sad remembering that. We talked about it for a little. There was no chance Sergey wouldn't know what would happen to him after what he did. It will never stop troubling me, how a man of discipline and devotion gave up so easily.




Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Separation anxiety

 The other night I got a really disturbing call from my sister. It's not what she said, like more how she said it. She tried to act cool and staff but I could tell that she was really worried. I'm doing military service for several months now and despite the fact that I want to be there for her I really can't for I am serving quite far from home. And we used to be really close, since both of our parents have passed away, all we have is oneother.

 Anyway, she was at home when she called me, she had been with some of her coworkers to a friend's house to watch a movie have a glass of wine, you know this kind of staff. So it got late and decided to go home. They offered her a ride but her place is nearby so she said she would rather walk. And that's where it gets weird. She told me that outside our place was a guy in a parked car watching at the front door. I asked her why didn't she call the police and she told me that she would feel embarassed if she was wrong and that was just a random guy waitng for his friend.

 I tried to play it cool too, but in fact I was worried sick. That moment I really wished I would be there so she won't have to be afraid, not just this guy, but any guy or situation that threatens to bring her misfortune. But I said nothing, the last thing I wanted was to make her even more anxious. I hang up with a simple ''Goodnight, if anything happens don't hesitate to call me anytime.''

Next morning I got a call from the police. They called to tell me that a crime took place in the building me and my sister live. I almost passed out hearing those words but the officer told me that it took place in another appartment but they called to asked if I knew the residents. I told them that a girl used to stay in that appartment, she was a student or something. A creep broke into her appartment, raped and killed her. I got sick hearing that, and I couldn't believe that my sister could be in her place..

When she was done with her statement I was able to talk to her. She told me that she identified the dude that was waiting in the car and after that he confessed that he did it. He said that he was waiting for the perfect victim. He described every little sick detail of his actions. He also said that this girl was a random victim, nothing personal. The police asked why he didn't atack my sister instead. He said that he was about to, but as soon he walked out of the car he was spotted by the man in a soldier's unifom, walking in the same appartment as she did.








Friday, October 7, 2011

Yesterday is history, tommorrow's a mystery

 I have to admit that the previous day was really intense. I cannot tell if it was the wine, or the exhaustion or even the insecurity caused by the politican upheaval taking place in the last months but all I was feeling were bad vibrations. Everybody, I mean everybody had to complain about something, not necesserily about me, about staff that piss them off. And that staff are so huge that they would squeeze them into pulp if they got an inch out of their course..

 So, you are the king of your own tiny little world where you make your own rules about morality, and justice, and truth, and you've got a problem with the others kings of their own small worlds because their code doesn't fit yours and won't cope with your shitty perception about society, relationships and morals.. You've got to be fucking kidding me. This is really like a bad joke, people idolizing themselves and their lifestyle because they are too blind and too stipid to take a second and take a look at the bigger picture and realizing that they are so small thay can't even see themselves. And it all comes from the fact that you are so selfish that you would rather live in a made up world than to admit that you just don't have what it takes to be a true and honest person. And so you whine more and more..

 But I am here to tell you that you really are able to be an awesome person even if you don't seem to believe you can. I am here to tell you you don't have to lie, and that you don't have to pretend you are living a life like you really want. That's why it is getting you down, not out of trying, but out of not trying. There is no reason to wait in a lousy job or relationship because is good or nice. Good ain't good enough. The worst thing you can do is doing nothing and wait. Nothing will come if you won't try. And by trying comes great things. You can do and be anything you set your mind to as long as you believe in it. There is nothing that can't be done. We all have potentional in greatness but we have let it in atrophy.

 And by that I will tell you a small story about a canadian dude named Jim West, you can google him if you doubt, who killed a bear with his hands and a stick. The bear attacked him and was all over his arm and ribs, it also gave him a scar on the back of his head, he picked up a stick and nailed it between the bear's eyes. More than once.

 And then there comes you, who is bitching that the tests at school are too hard and your job is tiring and that you're afraid that you're not gonna make it..

 Filling up the title's quotation, today is a gift and that's why they call it present. Make good use of it.