Monday, October 3, 2011

Everything burns

 The time is almost 4 o'clock and I am lying in my bed forcing myself to get some sleep for about an hour. My feet are heavy from working all day, my eyes are swollen out of exhaustion, but still I am not able to get some rest. My body is in ruins, and my mind in turmoile.

 I get up and walk to the living room. I don't turn any lights on. I just sit on the couch trying to clear my thoughts.. My cellphone lies on the table. Nothing on the screen. I type a message: ''I miss you'', dial her number and delete it. Like she would text me back. She doesn't care anymore. We haven't talked in months now. I bet she's fine enjoying herself with her pals or another guy.

 Damn it, I hate myself. Not solely because of her, or all the rest. I hate me when I'm weak and don't dare to follow my heart. Everytime I take a moment and look back to my past I feel sick. It's not like I'm a criminal or anything, but given the chance I did the worst, not even taking for a second to think if my actions would have a bad impact on someone else's feelings.

 So I can't sleep, and turn on the computer again. I check my mail, nothing new. But she's online. She always is, but we never talk. It's my fault, I'm dying to tell her truth. How much she meant to me and how she changed my life but I'm too selfish for that. I try to play tough.. So I just look at her profil, not doing anything, just watching the couple of pictures she's uploaded in the last few months we haven't met. I type her another message ''Hi there!! How've you been?''.. I delete it again..

 I turned off the computer and return to my bed. I can't sleep. So I just think about her a little more, about what she might be doing right now.. Most of the time the thing that troubles me the most is the possibility that she feels the same way, and the only reason that I'm miserable is of my own lack of will..


  1. if you never text her, you will never know if she will text you back.
    Also if you keep that up, you end up stalking her (just joking, thats some depressive stuff there)

  2. Oof, it's rough when your brain tortures you with memories. My advice: stay smooth, don't make someone a priority when you're only an option to them.

  3. Sucks man... You just gotta push yourself or you may never know.